Sunday, November 02, 2008

Stray Thoughts

So, here it is, NaBloPoMo. I was looking forward to this month so much! I had such a great time doing it last year, and I was starting to collect ideas for different posts, or maybe even work on a theme, like "My Top 30 Parenting Books" or, you know, something. But instead I find that half the time my mind is completely blank, and the other half, I have a string of only-very-tenuously-connected thoughts running through my head that don't make up a coherent post.

It is very strange to be back in Oklahoma. I LOVE being near to a lot of family, and having James get to see Grandma Jane and Grandpa Clint and Grandma Stephanie and Aunt Sandra and Cousin Charlie and....so much of our family all the time. He really will get to know them so much better now, and for that I am very grateful.

But I've also learned why people say you should move away from home at least once. I can see so much more clearly all the things about Oklahoma that are not so great. Like how spread out the place is, how you have to drive EVERYWHERE, how few great open and accessible green spaces there seem to be. How expensive the organic foodstuffs are, and how small the selection is. How much harder it is to have a good community of friends for James and for us that have similar values and seek similar lives. How little shade there is!

Of course this will all get better with time. Of course it's hard to make new friends when most days James and I are stranded alone in my mom's house all day with no car and therefore nowhere to go (see above--no sidewalks, even! It's horrible!). And I know that part of the reason I'm having trouble thinking of an interesting post is that too much of the space in my head is occupied with the mourning I have to go through, leaving all the good things about Raleigh that I can' t have here. And of course there are a lot of things about Oklahoma that I like--I just wish I could have my Raleigh right now.

And yes, that's right, I am sad to have left Raleigh. If I wasn't, I don't think I would be human! That's a human emotion. I get very tired of being told a bunch of versions of get over it. It's not like that. I' m not stupid or whiny or whatever else. I happen to just have a LOT of moving experience, and to know intimately the ways I have to process a move, how hard it can be on my child to move, and that for every great thing about the new place, you have to leave great things about the old place, and that's sad. And we miss our Raleigh friends terribly. So if you don't want to hear about that, it's probably best if you just leave now. I don't mean to be harsh but I need the emotional space, so seriously, if it bugs you, just come back later.

So. Hopefully as the month goes on I'll be able to get past all this and be able to use this blog to focus on writing rather than this crazy thing called Our Life Right Now. I'll keep you posted!

(Ha ha. "Posted." That's as far towards *witty* as I'm capable of today. Maybe the illness and lack of sleep is also contributing to my slightly bad mood...?)

6 Comments:

At 7:33 PM, Blogger Ana and Emery's Mama said...

I'm still not over it, I miss Raleigh too! I don't know if that will make you feel better or worse.
If better, you're welcome.
If worse, I'm sorry.
It will get easier though. We were both really lucky to start our life with children there, it set a pretty high standard which makes it difficult to move but makes for lovely memories.

 
At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Veronica said...

You know I love where I live now, but I miss living in the city terribly. I miss being able to walk into town for a coffee and being able to see other mothers a few times a week.

You do your mourning and your missing here. It's what blogs are for - all that extra stuff that you can't keep in your head without going insane.

((Hugs))

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Mem said...

i miss you lots- and to notice megan's post i miss her lots too- i just look at it as a reason to travel around the country!!! hugs to you k

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger gwenolivia said...

Take your time to feel sad about it. It's always difficult to leave behind friends and places when you have to move. It's especially tough with little kids who don't completely understand what's going on. I'm always sad when I have to explain to Olivia that we can't go play with James any more. Hope you feel better soon!

 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger Laura said...

Hugs!!!

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger Jimmie said...

I think I totally know what you mean. When you move AWAY (far, far away) for the first time, although it's totally scary, it's also a little bit exciting, because hey, unknown! New adventures! But, of course, sad a little, as well, because you're moving away from all that you know and love (family, friends, jobs, etc.).

So then, some time passes and you end up moving back to where you came from. Other than the nicety of being near family again, it's probably not actually *that* exciting this time around. It's like you get back and you're like oh, yeah, it's hot here. And the traffic sucks. And there's not much "culture." You know what I mean. I think that, with time, this overwhelming feeling of change and indifference about the new place coupled with mourning for the old place will subside. It has to, right? Plus, just remember you guys aren't "home" yet. When you get a place of your own, hopefully in a great neighborhood close to lots of fun things to do, plus more interactions with friends (old and new), you'll feel more of a sense of belonging again.

 

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